Seek and You Will Find

 

 I must have been 10 or 11 when I first read about Machu Picchu in a National Geographic magazine. It’s the site of the ancient Inca ruins buried deep within the subtropical vegetation of Peru’s Andean Mountains. Ever since that first article, I was captivated. I read everything I could get my hands on about Peru, Machu Picchu and the Inca people and I vowed one day to go there. But, like many of us, once my addiction took off, it stole everything from me – including my dreams. I’m now 57 years old and have been clean for 14 years. They’ve been 14 good years. Years spent working the steps, praying, going to meetings, giving back to the program of Narcotics Anonomous. I didn’t know that all my work in the program was preparing me for the most difficult year of my recovery, of my whole life for that matter. It was also the year I finally went to Machu Picchu.

  On May 25, 2000, my biggest fear came true when my youngest son, Josh, died of a heroin overdose. After 2½ agonizing days, the doctors at Johns Hopkins Bayview Hospital pronounced him brain dead and took him off life support. In four months, he was going to turn 21. He was at a NA special events meeting just the night before where he was voted to be the DJ at an upcoming dance. Just a couple of years before that he celebrated a year clean. We had the same home group; I was the secretary at his anniversary. What the hell happened? No, it wasn’t the first time he had overdosed or the second. But I hoped and prayed it would never come to this. I felt like I was literally coming apart on a molecular level. The shock and grief was indescribable. Up until May 25th, I didn’t know a human being could feel this much pain and continue to live. And, at times, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

  Some time during the chaos of the first couple of days, I saw in my mind’s eye a picture of Jesus cradling Josh in His arms, taking him home. At the time I thought, somewhat sarcastically, isn’t that a nice thought. I didn’t allow myself to be comforted by it until a few days later when, at the funeral home, a recovering addict pulled me aside. She said she had been praying for my family and I the night before and saw a picture of Jesus cradling Josh in His arms, taking him home. She described exactly what I had seen. She also said, “I think your Higher Power wants you to know that Josh is safe and with Him”. Her words meant more to me than she’ll ever know. It was confirmation that what I saw wasn’t just something I conjured up to comfort myself, it was my Higher Power revealing to me the truth.

  As the weeks turned into months, things slowly began to shift. The initial shock of Josh’s death was replaced with a deep, deep sadness that permeated every part of my life. And the image that once gave me so much comfort was replaced with a gnawing fear that only a parent would understand. Was my son really okay? I had to know.

  By December, my life long dream to see Machu Picchu became a pull that was so strong I knew that I had to go right away. I contacted a local travel agency and booked a trip for two for February. After a long talk with my wife, we realized that while I had a powerful draw to go, she had none at all. We realized that I was supposed to make the trip alone. I was apprehensive to say the least about traveling out of the country by myself, but I knew I needed to be able to experience everything completely attuned to my surroundings and to God. For that to happen I needed to be alone.

  It took me an eight-hour flight, another short flight, a long train ride and a bus trip to actually arrive at the gate of Machu Picchu. This gave me a lot of time to think, pray and quiet my insides. I’ve always believed in asking God for what I want and following it up with “nevertheless, Your will, not mine be done.” I figure no harm in asking the God of the universe for what I want as long as I’m willing to surrender to His will (which is always far better than anything I could come up with). I decided on a simple request. While in Peru, I wanted to see a Condor. Condors are majestic, South American birds. They have a typical wingspan of 10 feet and I knew from books I had read that the Incas believed them to be the “Keepers of Heaven”. I didn’t ask to see Josh or hear his voice. I just wanted to see a Condor. If I did, I’d know Josh was okay.

  I spent two days exploring Machu Picchu. Early on the first day, I was talking with my guide when I noticed a beautiful hummingbird taking nectar from a flower growing out of a crack in a stone. My guide said that hummingbirds are considered to be “messengers of the Gods.” Later that afternoon, while standing at one of the ancient alters, I saw another hummingbird. And that evening before dinner, while standing by Peru’s sacred river, the Urabamba, I saw yet another hummingbird. This one put on a whole show right in front of me, dancing back and forth from flower to flower for about 5 minutes. Now you might think that after seeing three hummingbirds that they were everywhere. But my guide said they are very rare in Peru, that’s why they’re considered to be very sacred.

  By this point I’m thinking, “Okay God, I asked to see a bird with a 10 foot wingspan and you send me not one, or two, but three birds no bigger than my thumb. I get the point. You don’t have to hit me over the head.” Plus, by the time I saw the third bird, a deep quiet came over me and I felt at peace for the first time since May 25th. I knew that my son was with God. That’s what I wanted to know and I was deeply content with the answer my Higher Power had sent me. And thank goodness I was. Because when I told my guide about Josh and my prayer to see a Condor, he said it was “impossible.” It was Peru’s rainy season and Condor’s never come down from the Andean Mountains during the rainy season.

  I had one more day left to explore the ruins on my own and I decided to get up early and hike up Wayna Picchu (Young Mountain) that sits above Machu Picchu. It was a steep hike that took about an hour. At the top, I met a weathered traveler from Australia and we exchanged small talk while taking in the breathtaking scenery. After about 15 minutes, I turned and said, “I have to go.” He said, “That’s a long way to come, mate, for just a 15 minute visit.” I thought for a second and then said, “Nevertheless, I have to go.”

  I didn’t understand at the time, but something inside of me said “Go”. On the way back down, believe it or not, I saw another hummingbird. Once at the base of the mountain, I headed up the Inca trail toward the Gateway of the Sun. I hiked up the trail for about an hour and was just getting ready to climb up a stone embankment when I heard two German women talking excitedly and pointing up to the sky. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but I knew something was happening up ahead. I quickly climbed over the wall and looked in the direction where the woman was pointing. It still gives me chills when I think about it. There it was, a huge Condor gracefully soaring on the wind current. It was, without a doubt, the most magnificent site I had ever seen. It circled a couple of times and then went off behind the mountain range.

  I sat there for the longest time taking in the experience. During that time, I realized that first my Higher Power gave me His answer and sent me a hummingbird. So like Josh in it’s energetic zest for life. And then He answered my prayer and sent me a Condo—during the rainy season—when it was “impossible” to see one. I sat there on that mountainside in complete awe of the God of the Universe who, in a beautiful way, reached out to comfort a man who was grieving for his son. I guess He knew how I felt. 

 Now you might ask yourself why the God of the universe, who cared so much about me to orchestrate this whole trip, to show me four hummingbirds and a condor, yet didn’t intervene and save Josh from dying in the first place. Well I thought the same thing so I asked Him. And He answered me. Funny how that happens to us addicts as a result of working the steps. He said, “Who do you think brought him back the first three times?” What could I say? I guess Josh was just intent on going home early. Or maybe it was exactly when he was supposed to go. I don’t know. All I know is that Josh is not in pain anymore and is safe with God.

  I arrived back in Baltimore on a Monday night unaware that the experience that had begun in Peru was not yet over. On Tuesday I went to a meeting that Josh’s mom happened to be chairing and shared everything: the hummingbirds, the condor, the deep peace I felt, my deep connection with every other living thing. I shared it all. The next day, my daughter, Jessica, came to work and handed me a box saying, “This is from my mom, someone gave it to her for Christmas and she wants you to have it.” The box contained a 10-inch, deep purple candle. And then I saw it. Carved into the candle was a hummingbird taking nectar from a flower. They say in the program there are no coincidences. It will always amaze me that God had someone give that candle to Josh’s mom two months before I ever went to Peru. I now have hummingbirds all over the house. They are a powerful comfort to me as I continue to grieve the loss of my son.

(You can visit Jim and Lois’ website www.MiraclesInRecovery.com)