SOME
SIMPLE FACTS ABOUT ANGER
(excerpted
from The Wounded Male by Steven Farmer)
ANGER
IS A FEELING— There is a difference between feelings
and actions. As a man, you have learned to emphasize action
over feelings. In order to deal more effectively with your
anger, you must separate the emotion of anger from feeling
like you have to act it out in any way, on others or on
yourself. Although I will give you some ideas on how to
focus and discharge your anger, there really is no need
to do anything when you are angry other than feel it. It
may take something as simple as stating, "I am angry,"
to take some of the excess charge off.
FEELING
ANGRY DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE RIGHT— Just because you
feel angry at any given moment doesn't mean that you are
right. This one is difficult, because we so love to be right.
Yet getting on a position, adamantly believing that no matter
what, you are right, can lead to even greater hostilities,
destructiveness, and violence. Wars are started because
of at least two people thinking they are right and the other
fellow is wrong. When you feel angry with someone, remind
yourself that not only is your anger simply a feeling, but
that you don't have to remain righteously positioned with
your anger.
FEELING
ANGRY DOESN'T MEAN THE OTHER PERSON HAS TO CHANGE—
We have learned so many ways to use anger to manipulate
and control. If I growl at you then perhaps you will feel
bad and stop asking me questions. If I get angry and withdraw
from you then you will likely feel bad for refusing to have
sex with me. Perhaps I will get angry and pout for several
days, to manipulate you into feeling badly about your having
been upset with me. By using your anger to manipulate and
control, not only do you alienate others but you are playing
out an adult version of a spoiled brat. If this is an issue
for you, keep in mind that while you can certainly express
your anger cleanly to another person, to try to use this
very energized emotion to control them is a bastardization
of genuine feeling.
ANGER
AND RAGE ARE NOT THE SAME— They are certainly related,
however. Anger, when it is cleared of all manipulation and
righteousness, is actually quite energizing and can often
provoke and inspire action. When you are angry, the message
that you're communicating can be delivered quite forcefully.
Anger can help you set clear boundaries. There are other
times when it feel good to let go in a burst of anger, not
directed toward someone, but as a release of your frustration.
Anger can motivate to action.
Rage,
on the other hand, is primal. When you spontaneously and
unconsciously age regress to an earlier time of raw emotional
energy, this is rage. It is the unmet anguished cry of a
child in need, explosively delivered energy, unfocused and
volatile, ready to leap in violent upheaval at the first
available target. Rage can do damage. If acted out uncontrolled
and unfocused, it can lead to violence and destruction.
While not at all necessary to deny your rage, what is useful
is to learn to tap into it and express it in a focused,
cathartic way. In close association with rage is a deep
sense of helplessness. A cathartic expression of this rage
often reduces the sense of helplessness.
BEHIND
MOST ANGER IS A WANT— If you are angry with someone,
ask yourself what it is you want from them. Quite often,
you will find that there is some way that you want them
to act differently, or to give you something, or something
else that you want from them. For instance, if you're mad
at your friend because he isn't listening, you want him
to listen. The next step is then to ask for what you want--to
listen to you. Keep in mind that you may not get what you
want. If you don't then you must decide whether to try to
control him by staying angry, or tell him how you feel about
his behavior, or set boundaries if he continues with that
kind of behavior.
