COMPASSIONATE
LISTENING
Too often we think of listening
as waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can
get our opinion, feelings, or thoughts expressed. Although
this is a common habit, with your willingness and steady
practice you can develop the very fundamental skill of listening
into a true art form, one that conveys compassion for the
other. Here I offer three simple steps to work with: Hearing,
Absorbing, and Reflecting.
HEARING—
Did you ever notice what happens when your attention is
drawn to an unusual sound? Your ears perk up, your eyes
focus, and perhaps even your breathing may pause momentarily.
It’s as if all your senses are directed to identifying
that sound. This type of attentiveness and focus is what
is required to actually hear what the other person is saying.
Not just the word content, but voice tone and non-verbal
behavior as well. It means you are fully present and not
letting your mind drift to distracting thoughts about the
past or future. It means that you are paying attention,
putting your self-righteous judgments aside for the moment,
having your heart and mind open to what the other is saying,
regardless of agreement or disagreement.
ABSORBING—
Just like a sponge absorbs water, so you can absorb not
only the content but also the intent of what the other person
is saying. To do so, you must be open to a different kind
of listening: to your own senses, how you react and respond
in your body to what is being said. I find it helpful to
maintain as much as possible a relaxed, fuller breathing
pattern in order to continually notice how your body is
responding to the interaction. Too often we are cut off
from the physical sensations, which give some indication
of a more “felt” sense of what is transpiring
in the communication. Conscious breathing more readily allows
what the other person is saying to “sink in.”
This also calls for us to take a little more time in our
communication, which is something many today have a difficult
time with.
REFLECTING—
Once you have heard and absorbed what the other is saying,
to become an active participant in the process, it is often
helpful to reflect back in words what the other person is
saying. This is typically done in one of two ways. Either
you succinctly summarize by paraphrasing the content of
what you think the other person is saying, or you paraphrasing
feeling plus meaning, e.g. “You feel angry because
you didn’t get the job.“ Not only does reflecting
make the other person know that you are hearing them, it
is helpful in clarifying the meaning of what the other person
is saying.
